January, 2020 (18 years old)
Damn, has today been one of those days. Most times I cover up my sadness and grief with some Netflix and food, but whilst indulging in a fantasy of what life could have been, through unrealistic chick flicks; I find my heart beating as the deafening ring of my thoughts begin to drown out the dialogue replaying in the back.
I find myself struggling to breath, as if someone is holding a pillow to my face whilst I try reach for a gasp of air to find grounding.
Tonight, I cry silently with a movie playing on a high volume to hide the sound of fast breaths and nose blowing. I don’t want my family to hear me crying. I don’t want them to think I am sore. I wish to only be sore and broken alone, for I know the sound of my weeping is contagious. My cries will create more, and I do not want my family to worry. This is my time. My alone time where I feel like no one else matters.
I was strong for dad. For he was not. It was as if crying was selfish, how dare I cry. My father and I are the only ones left. How dare I lavish myself in tears while my father is trying to be a top figure in comforting me through these hard times.
I always get the “You’re the strongest person I know.” Truth is I don’t even know what strong means anymore. My life leaves me sore. I find myself living through memories, photos, reminiscing on what I use to have. Scrolling effortlessly while time goes from 6pm to 5am the next morning… it gets deep, very deep. I drown sometimes. I drown to the point where I feel nothing and wish only that “I” had been the one who left this earth.
I cant believe you are both gone. WHY?!
Why did you leave me here? I love you mum. I love you sis. I feel alone. I feel empty. I live life with the fear of losing dad. Im struggling. 18 and yet I have lost both of you. I have lost my life. Stripped bare with only my father to live for…
Is that really what my life has come to be? Live life in despair. To be no longer? I will continue to live life broken, and sore. Nothing feels significant anymore. Everything is pointless, seeking matter is a fantasy that leaves me uneasy.
I pray that no one has to feel like I do right now. If I had to explain the pain, think of glass shards stripping through your heart. It is that, plus so much more.
Seeking Matter 